went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
All we had was a keg so we played edward nalgene-hands
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
Sounds good. I will just get tanked here and wear this batman mask.
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
