just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
Are u religion class? I'm on my way, I have cum in my hair. tell u later.
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
I passed out on my porch last night. I'm still making it to class. This is what growing up means.
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
no im not bringing booze its easy, you just challenge a drunk guy to beer pong, he'll hand you two beers, you lose on purpose, and everyone makes fun of you. but we laugh in the end for bringing nothing to a byob
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
Randomize
