I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
Randomize
