I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
I cant believe you bit her ass cheek, she must have been really weirded out.
yeah so we made out to make it less awkward
Randomize
