im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
So, we're going at it on the sink when a German kid walks in and starts brushing his teeth. I love hostel sex.
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
Drinking games this Saturday as usual although the ice cube tray game is banned due to last weeks incident
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
I think weed is turning my hair brown
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
Randomize
