The brown eye won't let me do that either.
flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
and then she judged me for using my bra as a potholder. hard times my friend, welcome to college.
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
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