Down for casual relationships, more fun than catholic missionary, bring condoms and don't get attached.
I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
Ok let's jusst not talk today bc then we'll just do dangerous things but I'll say hello
And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
Randomize
