"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
No shame. Just smoked a bowl with a Norwegian. Feels like something to cross off a list.
She came in to my room half naked at 3am asking me if I had seen the movie balls deep 7
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
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