yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
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