upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
Randomize
