a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
I like the name aiden. he likes stella. I told him they're coming out of my vagina, and I will name them what I damn well please. Stella goes.
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
So does it count as really great road-head if he ran over 3 mailboxes before realizing he was off the road?
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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