dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
I dont understand why so many people are content staying in and avoiding alcohol and sex
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
