I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
The police scanner is talking about you again....
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
It will be interesting
Isn't that your life's motto?
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
