At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
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