why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
Chelsea passed out in the kiddie pool. Just added around 28 boxes of jello powder. Will let you know how it works out
Dude I've kinda accepted I may leave Nola with the clap.
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
Randomize