I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
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