the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
Randomize
