I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
CHAZ BONO WILL BE ON THE NEXT SEASON OF DANCING WITH THE STARS.
Internet Is back!
MY NEWS TRUMPS YOURS.
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
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