I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
Randomize
