Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
Liz is crying about burritos again.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
