I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
Porch rule of tonight: when you sing, you must use "something" as a microphone. The person to use the most "creative" object gets the door prize...so far Stephie is winning with Jennifer's dog.
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
I asked him to have birthday sex with me via xbox live
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