I hraet yuo
did you say you heart me or hate me?
who is this?
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
dude there is absolutely no room for a slide in our room
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize
