I am way too high for this. Some guy just keeps talking about music and life goals and he apparently has lived in every city we mention we are going
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
We fucked to the rythmn of the thunder, it was magical
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
Whatever. I have his dick. Haha how many girls can say they have a dildo replica of a guy they were seeing
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
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