You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
i wouldn't be half as slutty if there were better things to do.
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
One last question would your parents let me sleep in your bathtub for the night?
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
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