I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
I'm pretty sure blacking out is a coping mechanism.
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
SEXX, SEXX, SEXX,SEXX,SEX SEX SEXXXXXXX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEXSEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEX.\nimagine that to the can can song. also come to my house. theres a dance routine.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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