His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
He had "Bad Bitches Only" tattooed above his dick. I don't know his name but I hope I find him again. I also don't feel that I lived up to the challenge.
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
Randomize
