I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
your facebook page is a work of drunk art.
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
Randomize