the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
birth control should be required to get into college
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
Why would you hook up with someone whos known for peeibg in someones mouth
No, your dick is problems. Anyone you fuck haunts us for the rest of the semester. If you need to get laid, I'll personally drive you out of state.
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
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