I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
i was shrooming and she was sobbing. i was trying to be sympathetic, but i could see the veins working like worms under her skin. and then her face stripped down to the muscle.
what was she crying about?
i wanna say it was the lack of skin on her face but maybe she lost her job.
Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
As we have told you before, the first rule of hook-up bingo is we don't talk about hook-up bingo
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
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