in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Randomize
