no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize