What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
This is kind of a weird question but were you the other girl Ben asked to do a group sex thing with?
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
I think people are normalizing furries
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