I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
I just need someone to hold me and tell me i dont turn boys gay
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
Randomize
