Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
Randomize
