This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
I need to stop coming to work sober
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
Randomize
