I could make wine with my vomit
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
kerrys trying to convince everyone in the bar shes a lesbian. cheers to not being the drunkest girl in the room. i probably wont piss myself tonight.
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
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