Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
Randomize
