I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
that girl last night was a 15
wait she was 15?
no like black jack not sure if you should hit it
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
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