a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
I think the pivotal moment was when we used the see and say as a drinking game with shots of whiskey. It was all downhill after that.
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
I would have dumped her already but between the 4 hr bjs and our shared love of enjoying thirsty Thursday naked while watching basketball I'd say its the best shot at love ill ever have
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
Randomize
