let's bang
You're in my phone as 'Weird Bus Guy' so I think my answer's no.
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
Randomize
