I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
Saved By The Bell: The College Years had it waaaay wrong on that one.
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
We made a water bong out of a wine bottle... Being an architect major finally payed off.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
How many Hail Marys does a girl need to say to get some quality nudes?
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Randomize