You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
Good news. His dicks gotten wayy bigger since high school. I love Thanksgiving break.
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
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