I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
I pour the whiskey from now on
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Randomize
