shes about as inviting as chlamydia
Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
the last thing i remember is fucking her. GAME CHANGER i woke up in another bedroom to her younger sister blowing me
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
Randomize
