So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
He brought over a bottle of tequila and a box of donuts with the Plan B, so I guess you could say things are getting pretty serious.
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
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