I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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