i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
why is pumping your own stomach in your searches on youtube?
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
Come on in and take your pants off
Randomize
