Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
Will you trust fall hold me, so I can pee of this building.
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize