Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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