she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Randomize
