She acts like you when your on meds
She acts like batman?
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Randomize
