First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
I have to go buy generic plan b after work. I don't even leave for the new semester for another 11 days. I think I just leveled up in sluttiness
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
No I come to this class stoned every week. Except last week when I was drinking in class
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
Randomize
