When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
And then falling down drunk the next morning, concussing yourself and splitting your head open?
That was pretty sad, but you more than made up for it by using "concussing" in a sentence
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
Randomize
