Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
thanks for stopping by when you did. making a meatball quesadilla while high was a bad choice
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
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