i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
Its... i dont even know. theres lots of rap music and i cant find my shoes
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
Randomize
