I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
i regret nothing . he quoted dr. suess . he deserved that bj .
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
Randomize
