I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
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