You are a beautiful, beautiful young lady. Your heart is made of tissue, blood and love. I will call you very soon, Princess Sophia.
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
I'm glad we smoked together,that was probs the biggest sibling bonding we will ever have.
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
I have only been here for a week and might contributed to a dumpster fire on accident.
Randomize
