That guy over there looks like a cartoon/action figure.
omg, i know.
we're too high.
All three women i have fucked in the past week are here in the same bar. Gameface, go.
Gonna go for any of them?
Thursday night girl, but friday is watching and tuesday is serving us.
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
him crossdressing on the weekends is awkward but not a deal breaker for me.
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
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